It was a beautiful Sunday in Marietta, OH, a sleepy river town on the Ohio-West Virginia border. Steve and I left the hotel around 1:00 pm on a quest for some lunch. We decided that the cuisine du jour would be Subway – a slightly healthier option from the norm, as well as it being 2 footlongs for $8.99 on Sundays…very nice. After picking up our subs we headed back toward the hotel and decided to make a brief detour at Marietta’s finest shopping establishment – SUPER WALMART, for some iced tea and additional supplies. Little did we know that Labor Day Weekend at Walmart on the West Virginia border would be some of the best people watching we had ever encountered. (I mention the fact that we are near WV, because it is one of those states like Kentucky, Arkansas and Montana whose reputation precedes it, with respect to regional lexicon, dental hygiene and a more ambiguous definition of incest. If we were looking for Rednecks aka Appalachian-Americans, this was certainly a “Target-Rich Environment.”)
After getting a couple gallons of iced tea in the beverage section, we headed to the checkout. Passing the Men’s Ware section, I asked Steve if we could take a moment to look for a special item. I remembered a couple days ago Gabe saying how cool it would be if he had a T-Shirt with a big whitetail buck on it to wear for shows. Yes, he was serious about this, because it WOULD BE REALLY SWEET for him to wear a t-shirt with a big buck on it! And what better place to find it than here, in the Mullet-Mecca of shopping.
Over the next couple minutes we scoured every t-shirt in section, plowing through racks bearing the likenesses of Dale Earnhart Jr., Jeff Gordon and other NASCAR icons. We picked through the wall of printed T’s which bore phrases like “Playstation 3...who needs friends?” and “Does that thing have a HEMI?” but alas, we had come up empty handed.
As a last resort we decided to head to the sporting goods section, where they may have one stashed in with the Mossy Oak Camo Overalls and Blaze Orange Socks. Our search here was also unsuccessful so we headed for the front with our heads hung in disappointment. Then…there he was.
A man in his late 30’s, teeth numbering in the low 20’s; a beautiful, carefully-styled mullet, dishwater-blonde in color; and a tan t-shirt bearing a the image of a large 12-point whitetail buck. This was my source. I approached him cautiously, not wanting to scare him off. Slipping easily into a regional dialect, close to that of my native tongue, I asked,
“Hey buddy, did you pick up that shirt here? It’s REEEEEAL NIIIIIIIIIICE.”
The mullet looked up from his cart; paused, in awe of my size, and replied:
“Nope, they ain’t got no more here. They had some but they sold out REEEEEEEEAL QUICK. I got this one here at a place called Rinky Dinks.”
“Rinky Dinks, huh?” I inquired, “is that near here.”
“Nope, its on the other side of town, but its worth the trip. They got shirts there with any kinda buck you want on it. Big one’s, too. I get all my shirts there, plus they got other stuff, too. Realtree, Mossy Oak, that new 3-D Camo stuff and all kinds a’ stickers for yer truck.”
“Sweet man, I’ll have to check it out. Thanks man. Have a good one.”
“You too buddy.
And like he vanished into the fog…OK, not really. But it went something like that. I never made it over to Rinky Dinks, so we are still looking for a shirt for Gabe, but I will always remember this day. Because I did not have the opportunity to photograph this fine specimen, I found a picture that is an adequate substitute on mulletsgalore.com. Enjoy!
